M I L L E N N I U M "SOMEHOW, SATAN GOT BEHIND ME" Ep. # 2.21 [MLM-221 (5C21)] Written by Darin Morgan Directed by Darin Morgan Edited by James Coblenz [ Second Season ] [Complete Transcript] U.S. Air Date: May 1, 1998 ===================================================================== TEASER: EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT CLOSE on a stone cherub on the edge of a lawn. It’s around 4:00 a.m. and all is quiet ... until a CAR approaches. The DRIVER -– who is delivering the newspaper -– nails the cherub in the head, knocking it off. As the car heads down the street, we see that every toss is haphazard and lands anywhere except the porch, i.e. a birdbath, a roof, a cat. The last paper sets off a car alarm. EXT. DONUT HOLE – NIGHT An all-night doughnut shop. The newspaper guy gets out of the car. He is an OLD MAN, ABUM. He approaches the newspaper stand with a load of paper, puts in a coin and opens the door. He grunts in disgust and inserts a slug into the slot: it sticks so that the door won’t open, and he makes an approving noise. INT. DONUT HOLE There are THREE ELDERLY MEN at a table. We follow Abum to the counter where a YOUNG CLERK toils, and to whom Abum quickly establishes that he is a crotchety, pain in the ass. ABUM Hey, kid! Coffee and an apple fritter. CLERK I’m just brewing up a fresh pot, sir, and the fritters need a few minutes to cool. ABUM Kid, if I wanted your life story, I would’ve read the book. Coffee and an apple fritter. Now. CLERK (apologetically) Sir, they’re not ready just yet. I have some decaf brewed –- ABUM Why would I, or anybody else, in their right minds drink decaf, huh? (heads toward the table of men) All right, tell me when it’s ready. And make it snappy: some of us actually work for a living. When Abum is out of sight, the clerk grits his teeth in frustration. CLERK (to himself) Every morning, the same thing –- bitter, old fart. Glancing back, he picks up the coffeepot, brings it waist- level and starts unzipping his fly. CLERK (CONT’D) He wants bitter, I’ll give him bitter ... Abum seats himself at the table next to TOBY, a glum- looking man; GREB, who is reading a paper, and BLURK, who is munching on a longjohn. ABUM I tell you, whatever happened to “The customer’s always right”? BLURK That went out with the automats. GREB (without looking up) Yeah, you’re living in the past, Daddy-O. ABUM (to Toby) What’s the matter with you? Something wrong? TOBY Sort of. I have this –- ABUM (holding up his hands) Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn’t say anything about sharing. CLERK Uh, sir? Your order’s ready. When Abum reaches for the doughnut, we see that it is a demon’s hand. REVEAL Abum’s true self: he is a demon. Abum touches the fritter and flinches. ABUM Hey! This fritter isn’t cooled off enough yet! (adding for good measure) Dammit. He heads back to the table where we see that the old men are really demons as well. ABUM (CONT’D) Hey, maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I tell ya, things didn’t used to be this way. (sips his coffee and reacts) Aaahhh! GREB Burn your tongue? ABUM No: that kid peed in my coffee! Hee-hee! All the demons begin cackling with delight. ACT ONE: INT. DONUT HOLE – NIGHT GREB Anyone care to make a little wager on the big fight tonight? ABUM Does boxing still have that standing eight-count rule? GREB Yeah. ABUM Might as well be watching a pillow fight. The demons laugh. BLURK I lost all interest in the sweet science when Kid McCoy retired from the ring. GREB Ahh, the real McCoy. TOBY Who? GREB World Middleweight Champion. And inventor of the infamous corkscrew punch that would tear the flesh right off the opponent. BLURK He was also convicted during one of this century’s trial-of-the-century of killing his married lover and shooting three other people. GREB I still love that line in his suicide note: “I can’t endure this world’s madness anymore.” BLURK A fighter and a philosopher. But that’s what exactly missing from this bland day and age. Personalities; characters; individuals with an inspirational flair! For example, awhile back, I was wandering on an old country highway ... EXT. OLD COUNTRY HIGHWAY – NIGHT Blurk, in human form, is hitchhiking. Several cars drive by, until a van stops and he gets in. During his tale (and the others, as well), we go back and forth between past and present. BLURK (CONT’D) (voice-over) I was sort of looking for –- I don’t know, a new sort of titillation. All I found was the same old thing ... INT. VAN PERRY, a young man in his late twenties, addresses Blurk kindly. PERRY What the hell are you doing out here on your lonesome, old timer? BLURK Waiting for a ride. PERRY You been waiting long? BLURK So many cars passed by, I lost count. PERRY Yeah, people are reluctant to pick up hitchhikers these days. BLURK In ancient times, the Greeks had to help vagabonds because they didn’t know if they were gods in disguise. I guess nowadays, it’s safer to assume that each stranger is the devil. PERRY Could be a serial killer. Or worse. BLURK So how’d you know I’m not? PERRY (amused) Huh! You didn’t strike me as a serial killer type, Pops. BLURK You’re an expert on serial killers, are you? PERRY Oh, no, I’m not an expert or anything, but I actually do spend a lot of my spare time reading true crime books. INT. DONUT HOLE The other demons nod and say “Ah!” and repeat “True crime!” BLURK Exactly! You see where this story is headed. As it turned out, the kid not only had an interest in serial killers, he once made contact with one. INT. VAN We see a little red devil statuette mounted on the dashboard. Perry taps it so that the head jingles. PERRY (reverently) This was made in prison by Johnnie Mack Potter: the most prolific murderer in America. He was convicted of killing 36 people. BLURK How’d you get a hold of that? PERRY Well, Johnnie Mack Potter used to be the janitor and mascot of my old school, the Roosevelt High Red Devils. He was caught the year before I attended, so I never met him. Every day I walked down those hallways, and I couldn’t help think to myself: “Wow! A serial killer once cleaned these.” BLURK “Wow!” is right! PERRY So I wrote to him in prison and he sent me this devil doohickey. But here I am, probably boring you with this killer-talk. Blurk reaches into his pocket and shows Perry a picture of a man (who looks like a murderous John Waters) standing in a football field in a devil uniform. PERRY (CONT’D) Hey, that’s Johnnie Mack Potter in his old mascot uniform! How’d you get that? BLURK I’m a murder memorabilia collector myself. PERRY (relieved) You know, it’s kind of neat to talk to another person about this and not feel like some kind of sicko. BLURK Tell me, Perry, why do you think you possess this morbid fascination with serial killers? PERRY Well, to be honest, I don’t know. BLURK You don’t think it has anything to do with the fact that you, yourself, possess so many of these characteristics of the prototypical serial killer? PERRY (shocked) What? BLURK White male in his 20s; the abused product of a broken home who spent his youth setting fires and/or torturing animals; an early addiction to drugs and/or alcohol. Perry gulps nervously at this assessment. BLURK (CONT’D) Inability to hold a steady job or relationship with women. (voice rising)Spending all your free time thinking about turning your masochistic/ mutilation/sex fantasies into reality! To say nothing of the fact that you drive a van, and keep a roll of duct tape in your glove compartment! Blurk opens the glove box and produces the duct tape triumphantly. Perry is shocked. PERRY How the hell did –- ? What are you trying to tell me? BLURK Play the hand you’ve been dealt. INT. DONUT HOLE GREB Good Lord, don’t tell me that’s all it took? BLURK You know, we were so envious when man was given free will. But what does has it brought them? The belief that their lives are determined by anything other than their own free will. ABUM And the right to vote. TOBY Wait a minute, I’m confused. You mean the man became a serial killer because ... BLURK Yes: just because. EXT. HIGHWAY ROAD – NIGHT The van is pulled over to the side of the road. Perry is on his knees, throwing up next to a dead prostitute. Blurk sits on the bumper of the van, looking on approvingly. BLURK (CONT’D) (voice-over) His first victim was a prostitute. This was to be expected. I was a little concerned because his initial reaction was a tad oversensitive. (to Perry) Don’t worry, kid: it’s just like your first beer. You not only get used to it, but life doesn’t seem as good without it. Perry, still trying to catch his breath, looks up at Blurk. PERRY I want to become the most prolific serial killer in the history of this country. INT. DONUT HOLE BLURK He didn’t want to be the most colorful, or the most weird: he just wanted to break Johnnie Mack Potter’s record, to be number one. ABUM Quantity, not quality. BLURK His “originality” began and ended with prostitutes. He killed another one that very night. Every night, it was prostitute after prostitute. GREB Ehh, been there, done that. BLURK One night, he managed to inject some irony into his blandness: I talked him into attacking some self-proclaimed devil worshipper. INT. PERRY’S VAN – NIGHT Perry is struggling to secure the devil worshipper, dressed totally in black, replete with black lipstick and white pancake makeup. Blurk is the passenger seat, smiling. DEVIL WORSHIPER Satan! Satan, save me, please! INT. DONUT HOLE BLURK (quoting the victim) “Save me, save me!” The demons cackle. ABUM I’ll betcha there was no divine intervention, huh? BLURK Unfortunately, the next night, it was right back to prostitutes. The demons moan in disappointment. BLURK (CONT’D) So cliched was this guy that he’d return to the crime scene. That’s what killers supposedly do. INT. PERRY’S VAN – NIGHT Perry is driving toward the crime scene. The police have cordoned off the area. PERRY Looks like they found Victim #36. One more, and I top Johnnie Mack Potter’s record: then I become the serial killing champ! BLURK (drolly) Maybe you should get T-shirts printed up. We see FRANK BLACK among the investigators. He looks up as the van approaches, and sees Blurk as a demon. Frank stares at Blurk as the van drives by. INT. DONUT HOLE TOBY (suddenly interested) Wait a minute. What does this guy look like? BLURK I know how terrible this is gonna sound, but they all pretty much look the same to me. But I swear to God, the man acted like he had caught a glimpse of my true essence! ABUM Impossible! It’s not in their nature! BLURK All right, so my story’s a little out there. Go with it. In any case, having seen this weird guy, and being so bored with my killer, I figured enough was enough. INT. VAN Blurk picks up the red devil doohickey off the dashboard and drops it onto the highway. We see Frank approach and pick it up. BLURK (CONT’D) (voice-over) After they got the fingerprints off of it, it didn’t take them long. EXT. VAN – NIGHT The back of the van doors are thrown open by the police, where Perry is asleep. POLICE Freeze! Hold it right there! They cuff him. Perry struggles all the while. PERRY Mr. Blurk! Mr. Blurk! INT. DONUT HOLE BLURK Of course, I was nowhere to be found. Later, he told the police that I was the one responsible for the murders! ABUM They’re always blaming others. BLURK But the criminal psychologist deduced that the elderly hitchhiker didn’t actually exist. I was merely one segment of the killer’s split personality. The demons cackle. BLURK (CONT’D) So after some time had passed, I sent my killer companion a friendly, little note of advice. INT. JAIL CELL – DAY Perry is reading Blurk’s letter: “Nothing to do now but hang yourself with your own underwear.” TOBY (voice-over) And did he do it? BLURK (voice-over) He gave it the old college try. In the next scene, we see Perry with the underwear around his neck: he has strung up it to the top bunk in an attempt to kill himself. But the bunk isn’t tall enough (and he isn’t short enough), so he ends up comically bungeeing with his elastic underwear, his knees touching the ground. BLURK (CONT’D) Too bad he had never gone to college. TOBY (voice-over) But then it wasn’t all for nothing, was it? He didn’t achieve total closure. BLURK (voice-over) Well, sometimes you have to sacrifice self-satisfaction for poetic justice. Giving up, Perry, with the underwear still around his neck, lays back in his bunk. Something catches his eyes, and he looks at his feet: the red devil doohickey is sitting on bars. Suddenly, a MAN yanks on the underwear around Perry’s neck and begins strangling him. Perry’s cellmate is JOHNNIE MACK POTTER. BLURK (CONT’D) And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Johnnie Mack Potter remains the reigning, and still undisputed, serial-killing champion. ACT TWO: INT. DONUT HOLE – NIGHT Abum puts a quarter in a pay phone and dials a number. ABUM Hello? Is this the Helm residence? MR. HELM (drowsily) Yes, it is. ABUM May I please speak with Mr. Helm? MR. HELM This is him. What is it? What’s the matter? ABUM (launching into a cheesy telemarketer’s spiel) Nothing’s the matter, sir, unless you like being overcharged by your long- distance phone company! May I ask which current service you use? MR. HELM What? What time is it? ABUM It’s time to start saving over 30- cents on your long-distance calls! Now, if you sign up with us -- We HEAR a dial tone. Abum laughs triumphantly and heads back to the table. GREB Now I don’t like working with serial killers myself: if they get caught, they end up on death row, which is the only place where humans can still find God. ABUM The trouble with serial killers is they’re too evil. BLURK Well, hey, if you’re afraid of them ... BUM That’s not what I meant and you know it. TOBY What did you mean? ABUM The evil is too conspicuous. When people hear about some psycho killer, and it leads them to thinking about the nature of evil. That leads to thoughts about right or wrong -– good or bad. GREB All that thinking can get ugly. ABUM Yeah! You don’t want to consider a crack like that. You just want them to go through their routine of living their lives. BLURK What do you do to get their souls? ABUM I don’t do squat anymore. They do it all for ya. TOBY I’m not sure I’m following. ABUM Mankind has progressed to a point in their dim-witted history where life has been drained of all of its enchantment. All you got to do is sit back and enjoy. INT. BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING A middle-aged, heavy-set MAN, BROCK, is in bed. We hear an alarm buzzing loudly. He hits the snooze button and stops the buzzer. He gets up as if rise but then lies back down at the foot of the bed. The alarm buzzes again and he stops it with a foot. He sits up, but falls back again. The alarm buzzes and he lays his foot on the buzzer and leaves it there. ABUM (CONT’D) (voice-over) I mean, I ask you: what evil genius invented the alarm clock? No other creature but man could concoct a device that interrupts, on a daily basis, their only state of natural happiness. No doubt, the evil genius’ evil twin contributed the snooze button. Next scene, we see Brock in obvious pain, working out with some horrible exercise contraption. BROCK No more. (grunting) I beg you. ABUM (voice-over) The other human instruments of torture, the rack, the Iron Maiden, are no match for their modern version. Used in a regiment of self-inflicted suffering, all in the name of vanity and rock-hard abs. In the bathroom, Brock is shaving with a razor. With each pull, he says: “Ow!” ABUM (CONT’D) Their efforts to distance themselves from their animal natures, only show what dumb beasts they are. Back in the bedroom, Brock is now dressed and proceeding to knot his tie. ABUM (CONT’D) Not only required to cover their God- given bodies, they also tie a superfluous, constricting piece of cloth around their necks. For no reason whatsoever! Brock stops and stares at his reflection: he has knotted the tie incorrectly. INT. DONUT HOLE BLURK I fail to see how any of this leads to eternal damnation! ABUM Well, that’s the beauty of it! They fail to see it, too, because they think they’re living a so-called “normal” life. And you guys have no idea of the torments they put themselves through for the sake of such a life. EXT. GAS STATION – NIGHT Brock is manning a claustrophobic booth, slowly banging his head on the window. ABUM (CONT’D) (voice-over) They’ll spend a third of every day in a place that they can’t stand, doing stuff they don’t wanna do! All in the name of earning a living. I’ve seen places in punishments in Hell less severe. INT. LAUNDROMAT – DAY In a dreary, steamy environment, Brock stares dully at his load of laundry spinning in a washing machine. ABUM (CONT’D) (voice-over) When not at work, they spend in servitude, performing menial chores, which could be called “life- affirming”. As a wise devil once said: “All roads through Hell lead through coin-operated Laundromats.” INT. DONUT HOLE BLURK You seem to be forgetting one little thing in this method of yours: sin! ABUM I choose to forget it. Because humans have, as well. The others grumble. ABUM (CONT’D) I don’t mean humans have stopped committing sins. Just the opposite. INT. STRIP JOINT – NIGHT A female stripper is on stage and begins heading down the end of the runway where Brock is sitting. He looks incredibly bored, having sat through these shows so often, he has become jaded. ABUM (CONT’D) (voice-over) They sin so often, it’s just become another part of their routine. And whatever passion first compelled them to commit such acts, has long since passed away. BROCK (in monotone) Yeah, baby. Go. Do it, baby. Take it off. (holds his head in one hand) Take it all off. Do it. ABUM (voice-over) Even their less-guilty pleasures are less than pleasures. INT. BROCK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT Brock is in bed, flipping through a dozen TV stations. Finding nothing of interest on, he turns on the alarm clock, switches off the light and goes to bed. INT. DONUT HOLE BLURK Umm ... am I missing something? GREB Having them fall asleep is not quite the same as them fall in the fiery pits of hell. TOBY How can you expect to ruin them if you don’t interact with him? ABUM Oh, I interact with them, but nothing too evil -– minor irritations are all you need. EXT. STREET CURB – DAY Brock is getting ready to put some coins in the meter when he notices a street sign, and cranes his head to read all the warnings posted on it. ABUM (CONT’D) (voice-over) And I find the best irritations utilize man-made laws. Starting at the top, the signs read: “Permit Parking Only – Except On Tues.”; “½ hour Parking Only – NO Parking 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. – Except No Parking 10 a.m. to 11 a.m.”; “Tues. – One Hour Parking”. Abum, in human form, dressed in a meter man’s outfit, gets out of his patrol car and places a ticket on Brock’s windshield. BROCK Hey, I just parked there. ABUM Ahh, tell it to the judge. Behind Brock is Frank, who removes a ticket from his red Jeep Cherokee, and approaches Abum. FRANK Hey, what’s with this ticket? The meter hasn’t even run out! He stops short when he sees Abum as a demon. FRANK (CONT’D) Oh! INT. DONUT HOLE TOBY Could this be the same guy who saw Blurk? ABUM He wasn’t reacting to my inner essence –- all humans look horrified when confronting an authority figure. GREK Hey, did this guy look depressed? BLURK Why? GREK I read an article about people using this herb, St. John’s Wort, that’s supposed to cure depression. Remember back in the Middle Ages, when humans were using this stuff to see devils? ABUM Ahh, old wives’ tales! GREK Ehh, still ... did this guy look like he might be using this St. John’s Wort? BLURK Greb, this guy looked like he needed a vat of this stuff. ABUM It doesn’t matter what they take! It’s not in their nature to see us. GREK What do you know about their natures? You don’t even know how to damn them. INT. BROCK’S BEDROOM – NIGHT Like in the previous scene, Brock flips through the same TV channels; then turns on his alarm, switches off the light and goes to bed. ABUM (voice-over) I just told you: You simply let them go through the routine of living their lives as they see fit. Until, they realize that their lives aren’t fit to live. After a few moments in the darkness, Brock gets up and turns on the light. He climbs out of bed, opens the window and jumps out. As we watch him fall, for the first time, he has a happy and serene expression on his face. ABUM (CONT’D) And it never ceases to amuse me how these idiots learn to appreciate the glorious freedom of life just when they’re taking it. And just before he hit pay dirt ... Brock finally looks down and screams in horror. We hear a splat and the screen goes to black. INT. DONUT HOLE Greb picks up his éclair and licks the cream. GREB If you ask me, subtlety is for closet homosexuals. ABUM What’s that crack supposed to mean? GREB I just find your laissez-faire style to be as lame and tedious as the souls you’re destroying. I mean, what’s the point of being a devil if you’re not having any fun? BLURK I’m afraid I’m familiar with your methods, and I find them to be just as crass and unpoetic. GREB Yeah, like an atom bomb. There’s another plus with my technique: mass damnation. I just did a job that damaged millions of souls with one big shh-bang! TOBY How could you manage that? GREB Simply by using the instruments that Satan himself created for that very purpose ... INT. NETWORK CENSOR’S OFFICE – DAY And is he ever. Resembling a really uptight David Byrne, the CENSOR is on the phone, editing a script to hell. CENSOR “Crap”. On page seven of the draft, the word “crap” is unacceptable. (listening) No, it is acceptable to use the word “crap” only when referring to ... (not wanting to say it) ... defecation. (listening) No, use of the word “defecation” is not acceptable either. We suggest that you do not use any word to describe it, and simply cut the scene completely. (eyes widening) Now, that word is completely unacceptable! (calming down) Oh, you were just reacting, not suggesting, I see. (starts flipping) Well, my next objection begins on page eight ... Greb begins narrating while the Censor furiously scratches out dialogue, repeating “Unacceptable!” GREB (voice-over) Now every network has a censor, a guardian of moral rectitude, whose job it is to ensure that the viewing public is not corrupted by unacceptable scenes of sex, or any other miscellaneous scenes of vulgarity. CENSOR No, it doesn’t matter that aliens from out of space have no genitalia –- they still have groins, and they shouldn’t be kicked there. It is unacceptable, revise for cut! INT. DONUT HOLE ABUM Sounds like one crappy job. GREB You can imagine the weight they must bear; the burden of maintaining a nation’s morality on their very shoulders. BLURK What are you talking about? It’s just TV! GREB Ahh, but you forget how humans regard everything is a matter of life or death. With that constant pressure, making them crack is a snap! INT. NETWORK CENSOR’S OFFICE CENSOR Unacceptable. If you are going to show a pile of dung, it must be dried dung, not moist. (listening) Why? Because I am Broadcast Standards and Practices and I bear the burden of maintaining a nation’s morality on my very shoulders! The Censor hangs up and covers his face wearily. Suddenly, we HEAR punk music playing loudly, and the Censor looks around for its source. Greb, in the form of a devil (à la the dancing baby from “Ally McBeal”), appears before him, gyrating to the music. The Censor shakes his head slowly. CENSOR (CONT’D) Not ... acceptable. INT. DONUT HOLE The demons jeer him. BLURK Aw, kid’s stuff! GREB I tell ya, it’s very effective. TOBY It’s so scaled and outdated. GREB No, it’s very modern. You see, in the old days, if you materialized in front of them, they all knew what they were seeing. It’s all evidence of a demon trying to tempt a soul. But nowadays, we assume it’s all internal -– the psychological breakdown manifesting itself in the form of a visual hallucination. ABUM And you called me lame. GREB The effects are immediate. One quick materialization, and they’re convinced they’re bonkers. TOBY But then what? GREB And then ... they go bonkers. The others nod, finally getting it. EXT. STREET CURB – DAY GREB (voice-over) I always enjoy seeing how madness manifests itself. The Censor is getting out change for the meter when he notices the street sign next to it. This time it reads: “Testicles by Permit Only”; Moist Dung Will Be Towed”; “Penis Jokes Prohibited”; “Display of Butt Crack Not Allowed”; “Use of the Word Crap Unacceptable”. The Censor drops his change, shaking his head, and walks off to: INT. LAUNDROMAT The Censor is loading his washing machine when he notices a WOMAN next to him. As she loads her clothing, the Censor begins shaking his head. He picks up her underwear and starts censoring what should go into the washing machine or not. CENSOR No, this is unacceptable. (holding something lacy and tossing it aside) This is ... unacceptable. (holding up black undies) This is ... total perversion. GREB (voice-over) His insanity threw him directly into the belly of the beast. INT. STRIP JOINT – NIGHT The same stripper comes charging down the end of the runway to where the Censor is sitting. She performs directly to him, much to his consternation. CENSOR (shaking his head) Oh, um, no, we’re on the border here. Unacceptable zone. He gets up on the runway and tries to block the stripper from everyone’s view. CENSOR (CONT’D) No, this is unacceptable! I am Broadcast Standards and Practices and this is not acceptable! Revise and cut! A very large BOUNCER approaches the censor menacingly. The Censor grabs the pole for dear life while the bouncer wrenches him away. The patrons cheer. CENSOR (CONT’D) No touching or excessive use of violence! No excessive use of violence! INT. NETWORK CENSOR’S OFFICE – DAY The Censor is on the phone, feverishly editing the same script. CENSOR You will not get away with this! The final scene is gratuitously violent! Aliens would not carry an Uzi! They are a superior race and they would not carry or utilize automatic weapons! I will not approve this! I am Broadcast Standards and Practices! He bangs the phone down. We HEAR the punk music starting up again and sees Greb dancing. He stares helplessly. CENSOR (CONT’D) What ... do you want from me? GREB Enough words: time for action. You bear the burden of carrying the nations morality on your shoulders. CENSOR You mean –- ? GREB Yes! Kill them all! CENSOR (repeating Greb) Enough words: time for action! The Censor opens a drawer and brings out a gun. GREB Yes! Now shut up and dance! The Censor and Greb dance. GREB (CONT’D) (voice-over) See, their grasp on sanity, and thus their souls are precarious at best. BLURK (voice-over) I should say so. INT. SOUNDSTAGE We HEAR pseudo “X-Files” theme music playing and see a PSEUDO MULDER and SCULLY performing an alien autopsy. TWO GRAY ALIENS burst in with Uzis. DIRECTOR (off-screen) Camera, move. We pull back to REVEAL a working film crew. The Censor bursts into the set and waves his gun in the air. CENSOR I am Broadcast Standards and Practices and this is not acceptable! He shoots twice and kills the 1st ALIEN, who collapses. CENSOR (CONT’D) No excessive use of blood! The 2nd ALIEN shoots his Uzi at the Censor and is shot dead also. Everyone on the set hits the deck and is cowering on the ground. CENSOR (CONT’D) This is all unacceptable! I am Broadcast Standards and Practices! EVERYTHING IS UNACCEPTABLE! The Censor finally stops, his sanity returning. He looks at the dead alien actors, then to the frightened film crew, and realizes what he has done. He turns to the film crew and points at the camera. He addresses the cameraman softly: CENSOR (CONT’D) Is that camera still rolling? The cameraman responds by lifting the camera flap up and down in a “Yes” fashion. The Censor puts the gun to his chest and fires, killing himself. The A.D. cautiously approaches the Censor’s body; he doesn’t find a pulse. He calls the end of the scene. A.D. 60. Take 3. Tail slate. INT. DONUT HOLE GREB That’s when I saw that guy. BLURK What guy? INT. SOUNDSTAGE GREB (voice-over) That depressed-looking guy that saw you and Abum. He was at the aftermath of the alien massacre. Frank is examining the crime scene. We HEAR the punk music from before. Frank looks up, hearing it too, and turns to see if the others notice. He sees Greb dancing to the music until Greb spots Frank and runs away. INT. DONUT HOLE GREB (CONT’D) But I don’t know how he saw me. I wasn’t like I was trying to appear as a hallucination. ABUM Now you’re losing your grasp on sanity. BLURK Hey, hold on, not so fast. You boasted that you ended up damning millions of others. How do you figure? GREB Just take my word for it. Not every network has such strict Broadcast Standards and Practices. Fade to a TV screen: We see grainy videotape scenes of the censor killing the two alien actors and hear an announcer: “These extraterrestrial visitors need to phone home ... and 911!” Then superimposed in a psuedo Fox-Show-of-the-Week: “When Humans Attack!” ACT THREE: INT. DONUT HOLE TOBY (glumly) He knows what we are –- the man that you’ve all seen who seems to see us all so clearly. I’ve seen him, too. ABUM I’m telling you it’s an impossibility. TOBY He told me himself. BLURK What? When did this happen? TOBY The other day. But I’d rather not talk about it. GREB You can’t not tell us. What happened? TOBY You wouldn’t understand –- it’s personal. ABUM How the hell can it be personal?! TOBY The details ... so tawdry and sordid. BLURK Now I must insist you tell us! INT. STRIP JOINT – NIGHT Toby, in human form, is enjoying the runway show. Across from him is a YOUNG MAN who probably turned eighteen that very day. TOBY (voice-over) I was at a strip joint. It was a quiet night, and I was just biding my time looking out for the next damnable soul. It was obviously his first time at such a place, and I always get such a kick out of seeing them with their first taste of forbidden fruit. The young man sees Toby and freezes, recognition in his features. GREB (voice-over) But this yokel doesn’t sound anything like the man we saw. BLURK (voice-over) Is everybody starting to see our true essence? TOBY (voice-over) No, this kid didn’t see my true essence. Hell, he didn’t even see me. He saw himself -– his potential future. The boy runs out of the club. INT. DONUT HOLE TOBY It literally scared the bejeezus out of him. The demons laugh. TOBY (CONT’D) Sure, yuck it up. It’s really funny when it ain’t happening to you. But this is just another reminder that ... I’m losing my touch. They chide him. TOBY (CONT’D) No, it’s true. It’s been so long since I’ve tempted a soul. Now here I am, scared, all wide-eyed and innocent ... In any case, I was feeling very vulnerable at that particular moment. INT. STRIP JOINT – NIGHT A stripper named SALLY, attractive but past her prime, approaches Toby. SALLY Don’t be so glum, handsome. You look like you could use a personal fantasy dance. TOBY How much are they? SALLY Twenty bucks a dance. TOBY How much for an eternity’s worth? SALLY Well, that would be an extra twenty with a sideways eight next to it. In the next scene, the pair have moved off to a more secluded area of the club. Sally begins her lap dance. TOBY What’s your name? SALLY Chantilly. What’s yours? TOBY Engelbert. She chuckles. TOBY (CONT’D) What’s your real name? Her humor disappears, thrown off for a moment. SALLY Sally. What’s yours? TOBY Toby. We see Sally’s midriff: a red devil is tattooed on her stomach. TOBY (CONT’D) How long have you had the tattoo? SALLY I got it when I first starting stripping. (proudly) You should’ve seen me back then: I was a quite the hellraiser. TOBY I’ll bet you were. SALLY (wistfully) I was gonna sow my wild oats right away, settle down, get pregnant, and watch my little devil grow big. (then, coming back) I guess that’s not going to happen now. TOBY Stranger things have happened. SALLY Of course, nowadays, girls have tattoos all over their bodies –- nose, pierced tongues, who knows what all. I guess I’m just old-fashioned. TOBY Times change easier than people. SALLY Tell you the truth, I should’ve quit dancing years ago. But, I have no other skills. TOBY Now you’re singing my song. SALLY Why? What do you do for a living? TOBY I guess this. I used to be so good at it; now, I stink. I don’t know what happened or where it went. It’s gone. SALLY All good things must come to an end, huh? TOBY Life’s funny that way. SALLY Funny’s a funny word for it. Something in Sally’s expression softens, and she embraces Toby. He doesn’t know how to react for a moment; then moves to hold her. She draws back reflexively. SALLY (CONT’D) You have to keep your hands to your sides. TOBY I know, I’m sorry. INT. DONUT HOLE GREB Those places are really strict about those rules, aren’t they? TOBY (ignoring him) We were like two lost souls who, by finding each other, you find the answers to one of life’s greatest mysteries. And the secret to having lots and lots of great sex. The other demons trade looks, not knowing what to make of Toby’s story. TOBY (CONT’D) After that night, we were inseparable. Being apart was ... painful. BLURK (coy) But what did you two do together? TOBY You don’t understand. We didn’t do anything together. Some nights we just stayed together and watched TV. INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT Toby and a pregnant Sally are lying in bed, spooned together, watching TV. SALLY Boy, the show really stinks. TOBY You said it. (voice-over) It was heaven. Even the times we had to venture out into the world ... INT. LAUNDROMAT – DAY The Laundromat looks brighter and cheerier than before. Toby and Sally are dancing cheek to cheek, moving to a melody only they can hear. TOBY (continuing) ... Her presence made the mundane seem magnificent. INT. DONUT HOLE ABUM Toby, I don’t know where this story is headed, but it’s really starting to give me the creeps. TOBY One night, she saw my true essence. GREB Another one? BLURK The world’s gone mad! INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT We hear a toilet flush. Sally comes out of the bathroom and sees Toby in bed in his true form. She blinks once, her expression calm. She gets back into bed and draws him close to her. TOBY (voice-over) One night, she had gotten up to use the bathroom. She saw me for all I’m worth, in all my naked devilry. You see, she forgave me my faults. One night shortly after that, we happened to wander into here. INT. DONUT HOLE BLURK You brought her here? TOBY Yeah, it’s a public place. BLURK I mean, some places, a woman don’t belong! TOBY (waving him off) We sat at this very table. I said to her: “Sally, there’s something I’ve wanted to ask her for quite a while now.” In the flashback, Sally smiles nervously, thinking that Toby is going to pop the question. SALLY What is it, Toby? TOBY (nervously) Would you m –- , would you -- mind if we didn’t see each other anymore? I’m really tired of you; in fact, you make me sick, you fat, old cow. Sally’s face falls, not expecting this at all. TOBY (CONT’D) (voice-over) I could’ve delivered my lines better, I know, I was a bit rusty ... but they were effective. She ran out of here heartbroken. Now in the old days, I wouldn’t have checked on my results, but I wasn’t sure of myself. So when enough time had passed, I went to her apartment, and the police had just gotten there. INT. SALLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT POLICE are all over the apartment. In the bathtub, we see that Sally has slit her wrists and bled to death. Toby sits on the toilet and covers his face, crying. TOBY (CONT’D) (voice-over) I’m a little ashamed to admit that I was worried. How I might feel sympathy for this being. And seeing her like that reminded me what ridiculous creatures they are -– to destroy themselves over something so fleeting as emotional attachments and biological needs. I was overcome with relief. Plus, it had been so long since I had notched a soul. GREB (voice-over) You see? You still got it! BLURK (voice-over) Just like riding a bike! TOBY (voice-over) But that’s when I saw him. We see Frank in the doorway. He stops and stares hard at Toby, then approaches him. TOBY (CONT’D) I don’t who he was or what he was doing there, but there he was, just him. FRANK (unsympathetic) You must be so lonely. INT. DONUT HOLE BLURK There! He merely mistook you as a lonely boyfriend. GREB He thought your relieved sobbing was hysterical sobbing. ABUM Yeah, I told you: this man has no idea what we truly are. TOBY (sadly, repeating Frank) “You must be so lonely.” The demons look down, knowing the truth in that sentence. The clerk comes out of the kitchen with a platter of fresh fritters; using a pair of tongs, he places them in the display case. Toby wearily gets up -– without saying anything, he trudges toward the door. When he is outside, we see him as a human again. Blurk and Grek follow in the same manner. Abum is the last to leave. Just before opening the door, he turns to the clerk, allowing himself to be seen as a demon. ABUM (cheerily) Hey, kid. Great cup of coffee. Keep up the good work. Abum cackles and leaves as a human. The young clerk is frozen in disbelief and drops the last fritter with a splat. END. ===================================================================== Ten Thirteen Productions in association with 20th Century Fox Television (R) A News Corporation Company Co-starring Richard Bakalyan (Abum) Wally Dalton (Toby) Stephen Holmes (Perry) Gabrielle Rose (The Aging Stripper) Dan Zukovic (Waylon) Bill Macy (Blurk) Alex Diakun (Greb) Copyright (c) 1998 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation All Rights Reserved #5C21 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation is the author of this motion picture for purposes of copyright and other laws. The characters and names depicted in this photoplay are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Ownership of this motion picture is protected by copyright and other applicable laws, and any unauthorized duplication, distribution or exhibition of this motion picture could result in criminal prosecution as well as civil liability. ======================================================== Millennium Copyright and TM, 1998 FOX Broadcasting Company ======================================================== Last Updated: May 08, 2003 Webmaster: Brian A. Dixon